I just read your email, and I guess it opens up a big huge door for all my thoughts to flood through, and I suppose in some way it wasn't time for you to hear them until now...so, here are my thoughts.
First, you should know that I already have forgiven you. Not because you asked me to, but because I've learned, that forgiveness is part of moving on, and I wouldn't have been able to get over my side of things if I didn't forgive you a long time ago. However, I also feel equally responsible for what happened, and had to forgive myself in the mean time...which was probably harder for me to do, as I tend to be really hard on myself when I feel I've failed at something. I know now though, that it wasn't a failure, just a necessary step in our own self discovery. Forgiving truly does set us free.
There is one quote from my favorite book (Deepak Chopra's "The Path to Love") that stands out in my mind "The relationship that you are in right now IS the RIGHT relationship, because it is a mirror of who you are inside". This is how I see my life now...looking backwards, when I had no relationship at all, and looking forward. All mirrors.
I really believe that the circumstances of our lives serve a purpose. I think that all the little coincidences that we think are "signs" are there to send us on the path to who we really are inside. Because of my stubborn personality, I doubt that I would ever have admitted any of my own vulnerabilities if I hadn't gone through something dramatic, painful, and humbling. I would have continued on a rebellious path...always rebelling against who I really am...which is quite clear now...although I'm sure I have much much more to learn. I am so thankful for what our experience has brought me...not only self discovery, but also appreciation.
Without our experience, I don't know if I ever would have realized that I really am spiritual, and to deny that is basically denying who I am. Now, this doesn't mean I've turned all holy holy or religious...I still think organized religion is crap, but it made me stop and think "why am I rebelling against what is ingrained in me? ESPECIALLY since it's not a negative thing...when that's a part of who I am? I don't have to pretend. I like me...and if those things have had a part of making me who I am...how on earth am I going to deny that those are a part of me? Or instead of how...why?" Not to mention, that when things got really hard, I had no choice but to turn to the only things in my life that truly comforted me...my family, my spirituality, ice cream! HAHA! All those familiar things that help me feel like I'm home. When I catch myself saying or doing something my Mom or Dad would do, I smile to myself because that's who I'm supposed to be...because that's where I came from, so that IS who I am (in a sense of course. Trust me...those negative little traits they have usually don't make me smile!)
This is just one little snippet example of some things I discovered about myself.
Most of my self doubt is gone. I stand up for what I believe in, but I don't retaliate, because I realize, it doesn't matter if other people agree with me or not..."honestly" doesn't matter...not "rebelling" doesn't matter.
Spending a year completely single was the most important stepping stone in my self growth. I had all the time in the world to spend with myself. I learned a lot about my friends and my boundaries with them. I learned how to pull back on how much of myself I was giving to them so I would stop getting hurt and disappointed by them. In return, my appreciation for them grew stronger, and the communication opened up further.
I call that alone time I had "my time in the hammock". It was my time to rest within my self and take a good long look in the mirror.
I am well aware that I was no where near mature enough to be in a relationship like ours. I don't think I was ever fair to you. My happiness hinged on you and that's not something to put off on other people. I was selfish and childish most of the time, and played the victim almost always. There is no way that I could have brought out the best in you, when I wasn't my best, and I suppose to some extent, it's vice versa. So, although I feel that neither of us need to hear it to have resolve, I'm sorry too, for all the ways I acted that were unfair and selfish, and especially for expecting you to somehow complete me.
So, in essence, your letter found me better than ever before. I enjoy my life...the Sunday blues (remember those?) went away not long after my stint with ‘singledom’...and have never returned. I approach every challenging situation with rational thinking...usually ;) I have this wonderfully full complete feeling that I AM alone in the world! That thought is actually comforting now...weird huh? But I look at it like I'm the mashed potatoes and all the people in my life are the gravy. I'm perfectly fine without the gravy, but the gravy enhances me, and the world wouldn't be quite the same without the gravy option :P
I appreciate your letter and your apology, and I'm so glad that you are able to see all of the wonderful things about yourself through the myriad of emotions you've gone through, and are going through. I truly believe that this journey we are on...you and I...is a journey of enlightenment that some others never experience. If there are such a thing as past lives, and we do keep coming back here until we are fully enlightened...then I think this is perhaps my last trip. Or maybe I still have one more ;)
I also believe that the vision I had...of your name stretched far and wide over the plateau representing my life...is still true. You will always be a part of me in some capacity, no matter how small or great in the moments.
April 2, 2008 ~ To My Friend
Let me back up a little and express some things, because I do care about you and I at least owe you an explanation of where I think this all stems…and I'm learning that communicating openly, even if it's after the fact, can open the door to a lot of healing on both sides…it already has on my end…so maybe we can mend this or start over. I don't want to point fingers because I don't think it will help anyone, so I'll try to be as general as possible and try to point out things that I feel eventually upset the balance between you and me.
Things have gotten really confusing and mucked up the past year or so. I feel like I was pulled into a whirlwind of lies, stories I needed to keep straight, and stories that changed or didn't run consistent
with other people's side of them. Speculations ran rampant among all of us and I can't even remember what's true and what's rumor or who said what to who and when or why. There were suddenly conditions on our friendships, and communications that were limited where they may not have been before. We all felt slighted, betrayed, left out, and ganged up on at one point or another. All of that made me resent and judge everyone around me, you included…and I just didn't want to be a part of it. I felt like if I knew too much, it would somehow come back to bite me. So I shut everyone out as much as I could, without breaking friendships. I'm realizing now, that it might have been better to actually back off of our friendship rather than say "I don't want to know". It probably did more harm than good. But the problems all started with the secrets and lies and you need to know that. I just don't operate well around that style of interaction…it doesn't fit well with who I am and therefore, my reactions to it don't do me justice or my friends. When I used to tell you that 'you shouldn't trust anyone'…and that 'if you don't want people to know things just don't say them'…it was because I could see the confusion and speculations getting out of control. People interpret things the way they want to hear them regardless of what the intention is, and I don't exempt myself from that. I had to be very creative to try and stay true to everyone but also protect everyone, but most importantly, protect myself. When things start to go down like that, someone, somewhere along the line is going to get the brunt of it, and I didn't want it to be any of us…which really is impossible.
Those conversations we would have when I would say "I don't want to have this conversation with you over and over" I really am sorry that you felt like I shut you out by saying that…I definitely never want to put conditions on our friendship, but consider for a minute, me having to tolerate that same type of conversation with others as well…and somehow make you all realize that none of you meant any harm to each other…trying to keep the peace…without divulging any information that one of you might deem too much information…and on top of that, worrying, and in turn realizing, that you would use it against each other after interpreting it the way that was convenient to your cause…all the while, wondering why everyone couldn't just hash out their own issues with each other…and to top it ALL off, having to simply listen to people I care about talk badly, or try to get information out of me, about other people I care about. It doesn't seem quite fair to me…in fact…it wasn't.
I only hope you all can recognize that in some cases you all DID mean harm to each other, for one reason or another, and me trying to stop it was futile.
Because of the resentment due to all of these things, your requests and wishes (and not yours alone) subconsciously fell to a lower level of importance in my mind. I realize it now, but not then. I'm not using it as an excuse. I just want you to understand that no ill will was purposefully intended, and also show you that even a good person can end up being pushed far enough to resemble an enemy.
So I do take full responsibility for my mistakes in all of this…current events included. But I honestly feel that in order to maintain integrity, you have to surround yourself with it…and the integrity was definitely lacking in our group for quite some time…on all our parts for one reason or another, and we, in turn, all became a product of our environment.
I hope that this break will be beneficial to all of us…I think it already has been to an extent. What I hope more than anything is that the distance helps us all reset ourselves, so that we don't repeat the same behavior when we do come together again. I've often said this about a friend I had a falling out with: our relationship is better now because we have a deeper understanding and
respect for how far to take the boundaries of our friendship…and are even still a little leery of each other when it's called for…but it makes for a much more harmonious life for both of us. I hope the same will be true for us. I love you and hope we can eventually get back to a place where that love flows on a regular basis again :)
Things have gotten really confusing and mucked up the past year or so. I feel like I was pulled into a whirlwind of lies, stories I needed to keep straight, and stories that changed or didn't run consistent
with other people's side of them. Speculations ran rampant among all of us and I can't even remember what's true and what's rumor or who said what to who and when or why. There were suddenly conditions on our friendships, and communications that were limited where they may not have been before. We all felt slighted, betrayed, left out, and ganged up on at one point or another. All of that made me resent and judge everyone around me, you included…and I just didn't want to be a part of it. I felt like if I knew too much, it would somehow come back to bite me. So I shut everyone out as much as I could, without breaking friendships. I'm realizing now, that it might have been better to actually back off of our friendship rather than say "I don't want to know". It probably did more harm than good. But the problems all started with the secrets and lies and you need to know that. I just don't operate well around that style of interaction…it doesn't fit well with who I am and therefore, my reactions to it don't do me justice or my friends. When I used to tell you that 'you shouldn't trust anyone'…and that 'if you don't want people to know things just don't say them'…it was because I could see the confusion and speculations getting out of control. People interpret things the way they want to hear them regardless of what the intention is, and I don't exempt myself from that. I had to be very creative to try and stay true to everyone but also protect everyone, but most importantly, protect myself. When things start to go down like that, someone, somewhere along the line is going to get the brunt of it, and I didn't want it to be any of us…which really is impossible.
Those conversations we would have when I would say "I don't want to have this conversation with you over and over" I really am sorry that you felt like I shut you out by saying that…I definitely never want to put conditions on our friendship, but consider for a minute, me having to tolerate that same type of conversation with others as well…and somehow make you all realize that none of you meant any harm to each other…trying to keep the peace…without divulging any information that one of you might deem too much information…and on top of that, worrying, and in turn realizing, that you would use it against each other after interpreting it the way that was convenient to your cause…all the while, wondering why everyone couldn't just hash out their own issues with each other…and to top it ALL off, having to simply listen to people I care about talk badly, or try to get information out of me, about other people I care about. It doesn't seem quite fair to me…in fact…it wasn't.
I only hope you all can recognize that in some cases you all DID mean harm to each other, for one reason or another, and me trying to stop it was futile.
Because of the resentment due to all of these things, your requests and wishes (and not yours alone) subconsciously fell to a lower level of importance in my mind. I realize it now, but not then. I'm not using it as an excuse. I just want you to understand that no ill will was purposefully intended, and also show you that even a good person can end up being pushed far enough to resemble an enemy.
So I do take full responsibility for my mistakes in all of this…current events included. But I honestly feel that in order to maintain integrity, you have to surround yourself with it…and the integrity was definitely lacking in our group for quite some time…on all our parts for one reason or another, and we, in turn, all became a product of our environment.
I hope that this break will be beneficial to all of us…I think it already has been to an extent. What I hope more than anything is that the distance helps us all reset ourselves, so that we don't repeat the same behavior when we do come together again. I've often said this about a friend I had a falling out with: our relationship is better now because we have a deeper understanding and
respect for how far to take the boundaries of our friendship…and are even still a little leery of each other when it's called for…but it makes for a much more harmonious life for both of us. I hope the same will be true for us. I love you and hope we can eventually get back to a place where that love flows on a regular basis again :)
May 25, 2006 ~ Philosophy is the talk on the cereal box
Integrity is only a side dish of life's feast. An all important one, but still a side dish nonetheless. You do not become what you do, it becomes you….defines you.
Principles are in the core.
Principles and character are things that should always come from a place of love….if they don't, then they should be further refined. All humans should strive for this. Your principles and character should not be defined by what you choose to do to make the currency needed to live in this world. If they are they can turn bitter and cold…not full of love, and like before, they should always come from a place of love.
For example: the sincerest form of love in my life is the love I'm infused with because of my parents. Because they love me, because I love them, whichever…it's the love that moves between us that is sincere. The work ethic that was passed down from my Dad to me (organically, I might add…he certainly didn't push it on us nor have we ever really even discussed it) is not to be taken lightly. It is pure and it serves its purpose in this world. Yes, I can question it, yes I can change it, and yes, it would be perfectly ok if it had not been passed to me…but what I choose to do with what is ingrained in me, is perfectly me…and me is perfect (and you know I don't mean society's typical "perfect") And that comes from a place of love. No question. It is without doubt.
I know that the only principles that have the power to carry me through the FULL light of day, are the ones that have been passed down to me...the ones that shine through by instinct in a moment of need...and I won't deny my role in this world by denying who I am. And I won't cloud my path with anger for not being who I think I'm supposed to be...which really, when you break it down, is simple rebellion. I will accept my role by being the best at who I already am. It doesn't mean I won't change the things that I can see do not come from, create, or encompass love.
I share because I feel we all are currently and readily doing our part in this world. It is the individual who requests or urges another to question their own purpose, who is actually questioning life themselves. That is good, that is their path; however, their responsibility lies in spreading love, not causing others to doubt themselves…doubt is where one's path becomes thorny, unclear and cold, thus, reversing the effect the "questioner" hopes to have by questioning in the first place. Judging others' paths is what I like to call spiritual ignorance. Similar to judging someone based on color or creed…but on a spiritual level. Hence, my theory…there are no wrong choices; it is the ones judging them, that sculpts them into "wrong". (Not saying there is no universal right and wrong…again…"coming from a place of love")
Consider for a moment the man who sits in a chair in front of his TV, day in, day out, no activity…only staring...one consistent perspective, polluting his mind with other's thoughts, creativity and beliefs. He seems to be wasting his life away…but he doesn't have questions…he's content and happy. But what knowledge would we ourselves be lacking without our own perspective on this man? What if he, or anyone like him, never existed. How would we know what not to be? He, in turn, is serving his purpose….so his choice is not wrong.
There is a delicate balance in this world, and each person's role is not to be taken lightly. Each person is serving their purpose. No one should be considered more or less spiritual than the next...each person is part of a greater entity, whether they know it or not.
Principles are in the core.
Principles and character are things that should always come from a place of love….if they don't, then they should be further refined. All humans should strive for this. Your principles and character should not be defined by what you choose to do to make the currency needed to live in this world. If they are they can turn bitter and cold…not full of love, and like before, they should always come from a place of love.
For example: the sincerest form of love in my life is the love I'm infused with because of my parents. Because they love me, because I love them, whichever…it's the love that moves between us that is sincere. The work ethic that was passed down from my Dad to me (organically, I might add…he certainly didn't push it on us nor have we ever really even discussed it) is not to be taken lightly. It is pure and it serves its purpose in this world. Yes, I can question it, yes I can change it, and yes, it would be perfectly ok if it had not been passed to me…but what I choose to do with what is ingrained in me, is perfectly me…and me is perfect (and you know I don't mean society's typical "perfect") And that comes from a place of love. No question. It is without doubt.
I know that the only principles that have the power to carry me through the FULL light of day, are the ones that have been passed down to me...the ones that shine through by instinct in a moment of need...and I won't deny my role in this world by denying who I am. And I won't cloud my path with anger for not being who I think I'm supposed to be...which really, when you break it down, is simple rebellion. I will accept my role by being the best at who I already am. It doesn't mean I won't change the things that I can see do not come from, create, or encompass love.
I share because I feel we all are currently and readily doing our part in this world. It is the individual who requests or urges another to question their own purpose, who is actually questioning life themselves. That is good, that is their path; however, their responsibility lies in spreading love, not causing others to doubt themselves…doubt is where one's path becomes thorny, unclear and cold, thus, reversing the effect the "questioner" hopes to have by questioning in the first place. Judging others' paths is what I like to call spiritual ignorance. Similar to judging someone based on color or creed…but on a spiritual level. Hence, my theory…there are no wrong choices; it is the ones judging them, that sculpts them into "wrong". (Not saying there is no universal right and wrong…again…"coming from a place of love")
Consider for a moment the man who sits in a chair in front of his TV, day in, day out, no activity…only staring...one consistent perspective, polluting his mind with other's thoughts, creativity and beliefs. He seems to be wasting his life away…but he doesn't have questions…he's content and happy. But what knowledge would we ourselves be lacking without our own perspective on this man? What if he, or anyone like him, never existed. How would we know what not to be? He, in turn, is serving his purpose….so his choice is not wrong.
There is a delicate balance in this world, and each person's role is not to be taken lightly. Each person is serving their purpose. No one should be considered more or less spiritual than the next...each person is part of a greater entity, whether they know it or not.
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