Let me back up a little and express some things, because I do care about you and I at least owe you an explanation of where I think this all stems…and I'm learning that communicating openly, even if it's after the fact, can open the door to a lot of healing on both sides…it already has on my end…so maybe we can mend this or start over. I don't want to point fingers because I don't think it will help anyone, so I'll try to be as general as possible and try to point out things that I feel eventually upset the balance between you and me.
Things have gotten really confusing and mucked up the past year or so. I feel like I was pulled into a whirlwind of lies, stories I needed to keep straight, and stories that changed or didn't run consistent
with other people's side of them. Speculations ran rampant among all of us and I can't even remember what's true and what's rumor or who said what to who and when or why. There were suddenly conditions on our friendships, and communications that were limited where they may not have been before. We all felt slighted, betrayed, left out, and ganged up on at one point or another. All of that made me resent and judge everyone around me, you included…and I just didn't want to be a part of it. I felt like if I knew too much, it would somehow come back to bite me. So I shut everyone out as much as I could, without breaking friendships. I'm realizing now, that it might have been better to actually back off of our friendship rather than say "I don't want to know". It probably did more harm than good. But the problems all started with the secrets and lies and you need to know that. I just don't operate well around that style of interaction…it doesn't fit well with who I am and therefore, my reactions to it don't do me justice or my friends. When I used to tell you that 'you shouldn't trust anyone'…and that 'if you don't want people to know things just don't say them'…it was because I could see the confusion and speculations getting out of control. People interpret things the way they want to hear them regardless of what the intention is, and I don't exempt myself from that. I had to be very creative to try and stay true to everyone but also protect everyone, but most importantly, protect myself. When things start to go down like that, someone, somewhere along the line is going to get the brunt of it, and I didn't want it to be any of us…which really is impossible.
Those conversations we would have when I would say "I don't want to have this conversation with you over and over" I really am sorry that you felt like I shut you out by saying that…I definitely never want to put conditions on our friendship, but consider for a minute, me having to tolerate that same type of conversation with others as well…and somehow make you all realize that none of you meant any harm to each other…trying to keep the peace…without divulging any information that one of you might deem too much information…and on top of that, worrying, and in turn realizing, that you would use it against each other after interpreting it the way that was convenient to your cause…all the while, wondering why everyone couldn't just hash out their own issues with each other…and to top it ALL off, having to simply listen to people I care about talk badly, or try to get information out of me, about other people I care about. It doesn't seem quite fair to me…in fact…it wasn't.
I only hope you all can recognize that in some cases you all DID mean harm to each other, for one reason or another, and me trying to stop it was futile.
Because of the resentment due to all of these things, your requests and wishes (and not yours alone) subconsciously fell to a lower level of importance in my mind. I realize it now, but not then. I'm not using it as an excuse. I just want you to understand that no ill will was purposefully intended, and also show you that even a good person can end up being pushed far enough to resemble an enemy.
So I do take full responsibility for my mistakes in all of this…current events included. But I honestly feel that in order to maintain integrity, you have to surround yourself with it…and the integrity was definitely lacking in our group for quite some time…on all our parts for one reason or another, and we, in turn, all became a product of our environment.
I hope that this break will be beneficial to all of us…I think it already has been to an extent. What I hope more than anything is that the distance helps us all reset ourselves, so that we don't repeat the same behavior when we do come together again. I've often said this about a friend I had a falling out with: our relationship is better now because we have a deeper understanding and
respect for how far to take the boundaries of our friendship…and are even still a little leery of each other when it's called for…but it makes for a much more harmonious life for both of us. I hope the same will be true for us. I love you and hope we can eventually get back to a place where that love flows on a regular basis again :)
No comments:
Post a Comment