I just read your email, and I guess it opens up a big huge door for all my thoughts to flood through, and I suppose in some way it wasn't time for you to hear them until now...so, here are my thoughts.
First, you should know that I already have forgiven you. Not because you asked me to, but because I've learned, that forgiveness is part of moving on, and I wouldn't have been able to get over my side of things if I didn't forgive you a long time ago. However, I also feel equally responsible for what happened, and had to forgive myself in the mean time...which was probably harder for me to do, as I tend to be really hard on myself when I feel I've failed at something. I know now though, that it wasn't a failure, just a necessary step in our own self discovery. Forgiving truly does set us free.
There is one quote from my favorite book (Deepak Chopra's "The Path to Love") that stands out in my mind "The relationship that you are in right now IS the RIGHT relationship, because it is a mirror of who you are inside". This is how I see my life now...looking backwards, when I had no relationship at all, and looking forward. All mirrors.
I really believe that the circumstances of our lives serve a purpose. I think that all the little coincidences that we think are "signs" are there to send us on the path to who we really are inside. Because of my stubborn personality, I doubt that I would ever have admitted any of my own vulnerabilities if I hadn't gone through something dramatic, painful, and humbling. I would have continued on a rebellious path...always rebelling against who I really am...which is quite clear now...although I'm sure I have much much more to learn. I am so thankful for what our experience has brought me...not only self discovery, but also appreciation.
Without our experience, I don't know if I ever would have realized that I really am spiritual, and to deny that is basically denying who I am. Now, this doesn't mean I've turned all holy holy or religious...I still think organized religion is crap, but it made me stop and think "why am I rebelling against what is ingrained in me? ESPECIALLY since it's not a negative thing...when that's a part of who I am? I don't have to pretend. I like me...and if those things have had a part of making me who I am...how on earth am I going to deny that those are a part of me? Or instead of how...why?" Not to mention, that when things got really hard, I had no choice but to turn to the only things in my life that truly comforted me...my family, my spirituality, ice cream! HAHA! All those familiar things that help me feel like I'm home. When I catch myself saying or doing something my Mom or Dad would do, I smile to myself because that's who I'm supposed to be...because that's where I came from, so that IS who I am (in a sense of course. Trust me...those negative little traits they have usually don't make me smile!)
This is just one little snippet example of some things I discovered about myself.
Most of my self doubt is gone. I stand up for what I believe in, but I don't retaliate, because I realize, it doesn't matter if other people agree with me or not..."honestly" doesn't matter...not "rebelling" doesn't matter.
Spending a year completely single was the most important stepping stone in my self growth. I had all the time in the world to spend with myself. I learned a lot about my friends and my boundaries with them. I learned how to pull back on how much of myself I was giving to them so I would stop getting hurt and disappointed by them. In return, my appreciation for them grew stronger, and the communication opened up further.
I call that alone time I had "my time in the hammock". It was my time to rest within my self and take a good long look in the mirror.
I am well aware that I was no where near mature enough to be in a relationship like ours. I don't think I was ever fair to you. My happiness hinged on you and that's not something to put off on other people. I was selfish and childish most of the time, and played the victim almost always. There is no way that I could have brought out the best in you, when I wasn't my best, and I suppose to some extent, it's vice versa. So, although I feel that neither of us need to hear it to have resolve, I'm sorry too, for all the ways I acted that were unfair and selfish, and especially for expecting you to somehow complete me.
So, in essence, your letter found me better than ever before. I enjoy my life...the Sunday blues (remember those?) went away not long after my stint with ‘singledom’...and have never returned. I approach every challenging situation with rational thinking...usually ;) I have this wonderfully full complete feeling that I AM alone in the world! That thought is actually comforting now...weird huh? But I look at it like I'm the mashed potatoes and all the people in my life are the gravy. I'm perfectly fine without the gravy, but the gravy enhances me, and the world wouldn't be quite the same without the gravy option :P
I appreciate your letter and your apology, and I'm so glad that you are able to see all of the wonderful things about yourself through the myriad of emotions you've gone through, and are going through. I truly believe that this journey we are on...you and I...is a journey of enlightenment that some others never experience. If there are such a thing as past lives, and we do keep coming back here until we are fully enlightened...then I think this is perhaps my last trip. Or maybe I still have one more ;)
I also believe that the vision I had...of your name stretched far and wide over the plateau representing my life...is still true. You will always be a part of me in some capacity, no matter how small or great in the moments.
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