It’s been five days since we spoke last, and for the last five days I’ve felt like a four leaf clover missing a leaf, or a daisy missing a chunk of petals. Each time a butterfly goes by, it reminds me of the last time I saw you, and each time it feels like something hits me in the chest. There are a lot of butterflies around. Even when I’m not looking I see a shadow flutter by my window from the corner of my eye.
I’m writing to you because there are some things I want you to know. If we keep moving forward without each other, it might eventually feel unnecessary to explain anything at all, so I want to tell you before it’s too late.
I want to tell you that I believe in you. Immediately when I met you, I could see your worth with such clarity, that I wanted to hold on to you forever. Some force of nature, some perfect sequence of events, finally, intently, placed the one person that ‘gets’ me, into my life. You had always been there in my unconscious, but now the universe had manifested a soul mate into an actual human to experience this life with.
One night in my kitchen, after listening to a long winded story of mine, you said to me “I can watch and listen to you talk forever”…that moment completed an unclosed circle that had remained unfinished in the crux of my being.
Our relationship has shifted, and forever may not be an option, but your worth to me has not changed. The things we’ve experienced and learned together will always have meaning and I will take them with me as I move forward, maybe even into my next life if there is such a thing. I hope you see that the world says these same things about you if you listen closely. I believe you have so many wonderful characteristics but the biggest one is heart…you have heart…and you can make a difference in the world and in your own life, just like you have in mine.
Our friendship began to weigh on me because my fear of losing you was too heavy for me to continue to drag around. I often say that fears and insecurities will cause the results that you fear in the first place, and it seems like this is no exception.
Having no contact with you has me feeling exposed and raw, like my skin is inside out and all of my nerve endings are reaching out to you, in vain. But the burden of my insecurities is diminishing each day. It’s difficult for me to know which is worse, if the trade off is even worth it, but I do know neither one of those feelings have any place in anyone’s life, and I can only control their appearance, or disappearance, in my own life by letting time and distance take them away.
I want you to know that I don’t blame you. I realize you had to bend the truth to try and protect our friendship. Even if you didn’t realize it, maybe because of not knowing just how tuned into you I already was, we were well beyond the place where those games have any effect other than the reverse effect. I don’t want you to feel abandoned by me, because I would never have turned my back on you under circumstances where our fears didn’t cause us to hurt each other. I never did, and still don’t have any intention of us being temporary in each other’s lives, I’m not sure where you stand on that, but there was no way we could keep going the way we were…sometimes things don’t work themselves out as easily as we want them to. I know neither one of us is perfect. I just wish growth for both of us because of this. Not backward steps, but forward.